I love nuts
by Vanished Snowflake
Summary: Insanity and hilarity. A crazy story including things like a duck named Edward, vulgar trees, "fiery" kisses and a potential honeymoon in the underworld.
1. The duck, the ditched and the director

**Okay. Since I don't really have any ideas on how to continue my other fanfiction stories, I decided I might as well created a new one(what genius!). This story is just full of insanity and probably won't even have a plot. It's just something to take my mind off life's troubles(doesn't that sound like a wonderful excuse to go nuts?).**

**Warning: reading the following may cause stomach upsets, uncontrollable head banging, the death of the planet Saturn and a sudden unexplainable urge to repeat the word "pie".**

**Enjoy!**

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Her blonde hair blew to a silent melody in the wind, as she stood by the cold, blue sea, waiting for her lost hero to come home. Her heart throbbed as it called out fruitlessly to its other half that was no where to be found. A stray tear streaked down her cheek, making its way down to embrace the cold sand. Her-

"Cut! That's a wrap!"

"Say what?" Annabeth exclaimed as she turned around to find out who irritatingly interrupted her emotional moment. He was going down. Time to meet my friend Rocketlauncher, dear stranger.

"I said "it's a wrap". Time to head back to your cabin, blondie. Show's over. Shocked at how well you could produce those tears and all but the way you stare at the sea's a bit too creepy, like you think the waves are really gonna form into your lost hero or something. Can't have anything too real, right? It'll just freak out the audience. Next!" The weird bald guy with the words director painted on his face said.

"Who are you and what the freak are you doing here?" Annabeth demanded as her hand crept to her side pocket where she kept a rubber band. Uh oh. Those hurt. "Falling into depression over my missing boyfriend is hard enough without you and your...camera crew disrupting." She waved towards the one-legged duck holding a phone camera who looked like it was about to topple into the water.

"Edward Brandon T. Hovenputt! Stop fooling around!" The director screamed at the waddling duck.

"Quack!"

"Edward, I don't care if the sun rays reflected off the water makes your feathers sparkle. Enough or I'm gonna roast you!"

The duck reluctantly moved away from the sea and came to stand inches away from the distraught Annabeth. Due to problems raised concerning height, the duck used the camera to zoom up on Annabeth's shoe laces instead.

"Leave me alone! All I wanna do is find Percy!" Annabeth said as she broke into uncontrollable sobs which although unlikely of her, was what the writer wanted since she'd just learnt that phrase at 8-year-old writing class."Break into uncontrollable sobs". Discovery of the century. Next up, international literary prize!

"Oh hey there, Annabeth." Percy said as he walked out of the forest and onto the beach next to his girlfriend while busy licking a blue cheese ice-cream(EVERYTHING! Everything must be blue! Forget the taste buds!).

"Percy?"

"Nah. It's Larry now."

"Percy!"

"Oh fine. Guess it's more unique anyway."

Annabeth embraced her boyfriend and gave him a kiss so full of longing and heartbreak, so full of intense passion, that a small fire broke out in the area of the forest closest to them. Of course, they were so caught up with trying to peel off each other's clothes they failed to detect the smoke and hear the agonized swearing of the trees. (Exact swearing not included in story for sake of Mother Nature's dignity. And the fact that she'll send her minions after me if I do. Trees! Sunflowers! Dirt! They burn!)

"So..."Annabeth muttered, barely breaking off from the kiss, "Where were you? Thought you were dead?"

"Nah. But someone brought me to the Sahara desert and erased my memory. I don't even know who Sally Jackson is. Nor Michael Jackson. However..." Percy broke off as he stepped back from his girlfriend and kneeled onto the ground in a dramatic manner. "Your love was the only thing that shined through the veil that clouded my mind when it was plunged into darkness by a wicked god. It showed me the way back to camp and to the ice-cream shop nearby. It let me live! Now come to me, my love. Come and marry me and the birds and ponies and cuddly cute stuff shall cheer in joy. "

Annabeth, being a child of Athena already expected this but she pretended to be surprised as she stepped back, her mouth shaped like an "O". Yes, yes may the flies fly in and attack her throat and whatnot. Back to story.

"But what about Rachel?" Annabeth asked as a stick-man animation of her strangling the red-head, stuffing the corpse into a meat pie and then flushing it down the toilet flashed through her mind. Resisting the urge to grin evily, she felt something squish under her foot. Looking down to check if it was her conscience, she found a roast duck. Guess Edward got too near the fire. _Wait...fire?_ Annabeth thought. _Oh well. He's proposing. Dying while engaged...so romantic and tragic. Maybe we'll have our honeymoon in the underworld! *delighted squeal* Gotta ask Nico._

"Annabeth, no one else can better you as taking up the position of my beloved wife." Percy declared sincerely, "Rachel will be my mistress. Except for now, I promise you I'l keep it wonderfully secret. Now kiss me and take my hand in marriage."

Annabeth looked at Percy with joyful tears welling up in her gray eyes. "Ye-"

"Cut. That's a wrap!"

"You're STILL here?" Annabeth, hands on hips, stomped her way to the weird director guy.

"You two? Wonderful pair! Purr-fect for mi movie. The duck, the ditched and the director. What you say?" Director guy asked the stunned pair. Okay, so only Annabeth was stunned. Percy was dealing with his aching leg. Who knew proposals could be so painful?

"What I say?" Annabeth looked the bald guy in the eye, "I say meet Rocketlauncher!"

Her trusty friend, called to her side, appeared out of thin air and blasted the dude to a million pieces. His ashes fell over the sea as he always wanted to happen. When he died of old age, that is. Oh well.

And then Annabeth kicked the standing Percy(whose leg had JUST stopped aching) so that he was kneeling again.

"Now, where were we?"

"Uh...uh...I love you forever. You are my queen."

"Good. Let's get married." Annabeth smiled like the sun, lighting up the area. Or maybe that was just the bright fire burning behind her...but life and death can wait because love always comes first. Oh and corn too. Because this is so corny. Corn...corny...corn? Yeah. You get it.

And so they kissed again, the love in their hearts burning strongly, stronger than the fire they caused that was engulfing the whole of camp half-blood.

Oh well.

**If your eyes burned while reading this, consider checking the contrast of your computer screen. **

**And yes, I know the chracters are OOC but in case you don't know already, it's on purpose. This is just a crazy story that may or may not be continued. **

**Reviews are appreciated:)**

Chapter 1: The duck, the ditched and the director


	2. Deadly love

**Gosh. It's real fun to write this. Posting the day after a post, babe! Even though only 2 people read.**

**Bookluva98 n Abigail Thalia La Rue, Thank you for reviewing, subscribing to story alert and adding to favourite list(Bookluva98). It's all really encounraging. Thanks for reading when no one else could be bothered to.**

**Warning: Reding the following may cause loss of sight, brain damage, the disappearance of your index finger and the extinction of hamburgers*gasp***

**Enjoy!**

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To death do us part. Love shall last to the very end. Our love shall burn stronger than the flames of the underworld.

"Gee," Annabeth complained as she waved away the mushy phrases that had started to magically form above Percy's head and hers, "Whoever created that last phrase sure hadn't seen the underworld. I mean, flames? What flames? Let's barbeque a ghost cow, shall we? It's freezing!" Well thank you for pointing that out, wise daughter of Athena. Sure glad to know the writer wrote that when he was alive, not...dead, you know...or a ghost...GHOSTWRITER! Anyway, it was impossible to find a nice pen and piece of paper in there, as Annabeth had discovered. Apparently, such stationary didn't have mortal souls and were safe from eternal torture at death, regardless of how many paper cuts they inflicted or how many times they poked you with their razor sharp points. Life and death was so unfair. No wonder Nico was always creating his own game rules when they played monopoly. "No buying property till you've landed on it for the 13th time." , "Pay rent twice the amount for each owner who only has 4 letters in his first name and is half Italian", "Don't ask rent from those legally older then you, like born in the 1930 s. Respect your elders." Yeah. The last rule was why the son of death never played with Chiron. It wasn't fair, he claimed.

"Hey Annabeth," Percy asked his girlfriend/fiancee, "Do these robes make my butt look fat?" (I bit my lip while writing this.)

Annabeth rolled her eyes and looked at him. Having died after the fire burned them alive (But by then, they were already engaged. Woohoo! Score one for Annabeth's weird, somewhat crazy, Shakespear-tragic-play-ending fantasies!) and sent to the underworld, someone had switched their clothes(that pervert...) to black robes and turned them to ghostly, grey, skeleton-like creatures, probably just to fit in with the whole you're-dead-this-is-the-realm-of-hades-the-crazy-sadistic-maniac-who-will-do-far-more-than-strip-you-of-fashionable-clothing atmosphere. Happy, happy place. Where were the pink balloons and unicorns again?

Anyway, Percy was now a creature of the underworld, grey, bony and with what looked like empty eye sockets. He looked so much like a skeleton Annabeth would have freaked out if she weren't also looking that horrible. However, she chose to look past this physical transformation as she answered Percy's question, "Its a BLACK robe, seaweed brain. It's hard to look fat in black."

"But Dionysus looks like that all the time, even when he decides to attempt looking like Nico or Thalia."

"But...oh I don't know. Who cares anyway? We're dead and considering the amount of somewhat heroic campers who died with us, I doubt we'll be having a very private wedding or honeymoon in Elysium. "

"Oh no. Remember the time they threw us into the lake after our first kiss?"

"Yeaaah."Annabeth said dreamily as she remembered one of the first times she wanted to pull him INTO her bed and not OFF a bed which was conveniently placed at the edge of tartarus.

"What will happen if they do that to us again...but into the river styx?"

"Then I shall smash my lips onto yours as we sink to the bottom holding hands as the acid devours our bones, our souls...and our clothes..."Annabeth replied without thinking, half of her still stuck in her own romantic thoughts.

"Earth to Annabeth!" Percy said as he waved a bony hand in front of her face. Suddenly, a medium-sized plastic globe painted in blue and green to represent earth hit Annabeth hard in the cheek. She cried out in pain (and we wonder where dead her got the nerves from).

"What did you do that for?"

"I didn't!"

"And now you lie?"

"It...it came from there!" Percy whimpered as he pointed to the river styx.

"And now you blame inanimate objects?"

"I have all rights to blame the non-living who by definition cannot move and hit people by themselves!" Percy cried out. "I think the globe was floating in it because it was a lost dream of someone who's now dead. Apparently, another guy had plans for world domination again."

"You blame the river styx and the mighty water? The powerful substance that allows humans to survive and that sustains life on Earth?"

"Uh...why do you care? You're dead. And Earth just hit you in the face."

"You infuriating little creep I call my boyfriend! Die!" Annabeth screamed but stopped midway at strangling Percy the way Homer Simpson does to Bart. She suddenly started doing "the thinker" pose. "Hmm...but you're already dead." She pondered. What genius! What incredible insight! What astounding discovery! "I can't kill you...so...other option..."

Annabeth turned to Percy with a smile and in two seconds they were wrapped in each others arms, kissing so passionately Hades himself wanted to puke. Needless to say, they started a fire in the middle of the underworld(so the flames mentioned before finally arrive...) and it engulfed the land of the dead. And also needless to say, the two of them hardly noticed a thing.

Love shall last even after death... And then it'll cause death. Poor dead people, dying to die again...or_ did_ they die again? (Writer jumps in joy and praises self for clever cliffhanger. Remember, international literary prize!)

**LOL. Please review. Thanks:)**


	3. Giving the nuts to Luke

**Warning: Reading the following might cause formation of brain tumors, disappearance of heart rate, your stomach to split open and your spleen to fly over the moon.**

**Enjoy and thanks for the reviews!**

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Boom.

Yes, the two heroes of olympus had caused the explosion of the underworld and the end of death. After the second fire caused by their overly too passionate kissing that day had grown in size and starting burning everything in the land of the dead, it somehow just exploded. Sadly, Percy was caught IN the explosion, so he couldn't see the mushroom cloud it created. Oh wait, you don't know about his obsession with mushroom clouds? You should have seen the look on his face when Katie Gardner once brought him to a mushroom farm. He'd looked like he was about to set greek fire all over the place to see the poor fungi explode. Yup, this dude's a little mentally disturbed. Annabeth just ignores his frequent claims that his cabin bed spouted fluffy white wings and that riptide is an enlarged toothpick. And I'm not talking about his sword...Anyway, the explosion had been so terrifyingly loud that the sounds had woken up the hibernating sloth on Mars. Scientists were still checking on its wellbeing. Apparently, it just realised it couldn't breathe in space and was starting to suffocate. Sadly, it couldn't die because with the underworld gone and Hades busy watching Happy Tree Friends (Gore. Blood. Pain...Best videos ever.) in a New York cemetry, death was non-existant. Yes, the sadistic scientists were eating popcorn while watching the sloth attempt to die. Yes, it was caremel popcorn. Yes, there was one lone scientist eating a healthy granola bar.

Moving on.

"Percy...we've...we've...caused the underworld to explode! I know what it is with you and destroying everything within a five mile radius but surely this is a bit too much..." Annabeth told her boyfriend as she dusted off dirt from her jeans. Yes, jeans. With no underworld, there were no such things as creatures of the underworld and unflattering black robes any more. Ignoring what Annabeth was saying, Percy was busy embracing this change.

"I...I have flesh again!"He squealed.

"I have clothes that can actually be considered clothes!" He cried out in delight.

"I have eyeballs!" He started doing the chicken dance and singing Kool and the gang's "celebration".

Annabeth rolled her eyes, "Boys. Stupid, insolent, crazy..."

"Annabeth?"

Her grey eyes widened, "Luke! Clever, charming, sane male Luke! You've come back from the dead for me! Aww, I'm touched."

The son of Hermes winced as Annabeth rushed into his arms and started smothering him with passionate kisses. "Nuh uh," he said, gently pushing her away, "I'm good now. I'm NOT gonna help you burn the universe and cause it to go all "big bang" again."

"Anyway, I thought you were engaged to Percy?" He asked, eyebrows raised at her infidelity.

"What's "engaged" and what in the world is Percy? Reminds me of Hershies...Aww, you got chocolates for me, didn't you?" Annabeth battered her eyelashes at Luke in a very un-Annabeth-like way.

"Uh...Percy's your fiance? Over there?" Luke pointed to the dancing son of poseidon.

"Chicken dude? Nah, never knew him. Don't know that his favourite colour is blue and that he thinks he's from a parallel dimension either. Nor that he prefers boxers to briefs. Of course not. What made you think of that anyway?" "Annabeth asked oh-so-innocently.

"Uh...the fact that you blew up both the camp AND the underworld with your kisses and that you performed a very touching emotional scene when you thought he was lost. You actually teared up over HIM. I applaud you." Luke said and clapped. Suddenly a whole group of ducks came out from absolutely nowhere(Could the son of hades be abusing his powers over shadows?...For duck rides? Nice. Everyone's going nuts. And so we wonder where the greedy squirrels are.) and started following Luke, applausing as best as they could with their webbed limbs.

"The least you could do was give me a grammy award and conjuer up a bunch of grammies as applauding audience. Why in the world did you get ducks?" Annabeth complained, hands on hips.

"Cheap labour." Luke shrugged, "And what in the world do you mean by applauding grammies?"

"Oh don't you know what a grammy is?" Annabeth sighed, "Those old wrinkly females who would hit you with a stick if you say "shit!" or smile like you're the one who invented dentures if you help them carry their bags. And I guess you now know why they don't usually smile..."

Suddenly, a bright light shone behind Luke, its brilliance absolutely blinding. "Oh...what has Percy exploded this time?" Annabeth muttered as she shielded her burning eyes.

"Luke!" A shrill voice cried out in a lovey-dovey manner that could make even Aphrodite, dear goddess of love herself, puke. Annabeth stood still, stunned, as she realised it hadn't been her.

The bright light faded as a slim girl got closer to Luke's side. Annabeth had her loony eyes set only on men but she still had to admit the girl was pretty. She had long black hair, flawless skin and looked so perfectly perfect that Annabeth had to control the urge to tackle her, rip out her stomach, claw her eyeballs out and worst of all...*shiver*...cut her hair in an uneven manner. The horror.

The pretty girl snuggled up next to Luke and then stretched out a smooth, perfectly-manicured hand towards the fuming Annabeth, "Hi. I'm Luke's girlfriend, for the lack of better words in modern society. I'll very much prefer to use terms like "eternal love" or "destiny" or "fate" but they're too much of an understatement." The girl sighed, "My name's Mary Sue, by the way." Wow. What a surprise.

Annabeth was absolutely furious as she watched Mary Sue's finger trail down Luke's chest and him put his arm around her waist. Forget about uneven hair cutting, this girl was meant to be bald. "Destiny", "fate" kind of thing.

As Annabeth was about to reach out to grab Mary Sue's hand and throw her down a drain, Luke suddenly stepped away from his girlfriend himself. Annabeth, grinning widely, took a step forward to embrace him just to have him hold her by the shoulders to stop her.

"But...I thought we had something special...something real...unlike what you had with Mary over there." Annabeth said, on the verge of letting tears escape.

"Wait...like, hold on a second, " Mary said and held her hand up too as if she had the power to stop time with a flick of her wrist. Then again, she was a Mary Sue...who knew what wondrous, unbelievable things she could do? "Are you saying I'm not real?"

All of a sudden, there was a gust of wind and Mary Sue disappeared into thin air. Guess nobody's perfect. And her name ain't "nobody", so yeah. In fact, Mary Sue was just a nick name of hers, her real one being just too long for this writer to bother typing out. Hey, I'm not getting paid here but if you bring me cookies I'll see what I could do.

Moving on again.

"Annabeth," Luke whispered as he looked deeply into her grey eyes, "I love-"

"You love me?" Annabeth shrieked in delight and at this point, Aphrodite did puke.

"No, I love...men." Luke muttered as his eyes trailed of to a certain dancing son of Poseidon.

And so the chapter stops here because this writer's stomach couldn't take it anymore. Talk about puke fest.

**Reviews are very much appreciated.**


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